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In watching the 2 recent debates, I have some ideas to make the format more interesting. First of all, I would have several costume changes throughout the debate, where they would dress like a firefighter, an astronaut, Hellboy, whatever… The winner of the debate wouldn’t be coming from some tainted public opinion poll. The participants would receive [...]
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Mad Cow versus Monkey Pox

I’ve got my ear to the pavement, and the word on the streets is that the Mad Cow Disease is making a comeback. Ooooooh…how exciting! Next to MonkeyPox, is there a single more amusing and delightful disease out there? I can’t say I feel very sympathetic for people who contract Mad Cow. I mean, its [...]
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1st Annual Easter Egg Hunt for the Homeless

I know I’m about 7 months early, but I’m so excited that I couldn’t wait any longer to announce the 1st annual Easter Egg Hunt for Homeless Kids on Saturday April 11, 2009 at 10:30 PM. I’m doing it Saturday night so that I can sleep in Sunday morning and wake up to make myself [...]
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Lobster Claws for my 2nd favorite Mermaid Baby

I’ve decided that I want babies. 3 of them, to be exact. I want triplets, but I don’t want them to all look the same. I’d like for one of my babies to be a Burtle. A little tiny baby Burtle. 50% Bear, 50% Turtle, 100% precious. He’d be my favorite. I’d spoil him like you [...]
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Disgruntled Balloon Artist Scares Little Kids

I used to think that the scariest thing for a small child was the boogeyman, or Leatherface. That was until last Easter. The sheer horror I saw on the youngsters faces as they were being forced into the lap of the Easter bunny made me rethink my stand. The kids were crying hysterically as their [...]
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Booty Hunter Whippets

Some guy at the gym today was wearing a shirt that said Booty Hunter. If he really wants to keep it real, tomorrow he’ll wear a Booty Kryptonite shirt. Never has there been a man with less of a chance of scoring with the ladies since crustacean lover Timmy Crocker decided to start wearing a [...]
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Homeless Alcoholic Butterfinger Beatings

Article in White. My commentary in red. AP - A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink. He probably wanted to make sure he had an extra boost in case he ended up being chased by the coppers. [...]
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Tiger Penis Wine

It has been brought to my attention that Tiger Penises have barbs on them (apparently I found that so impressive that I decided to capitalize the word penis). I didn’t believe the jibber jabber, so a Google search was done to prove me wrong. While learning the true extent of my wrongness, I found the [...]
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Autistic Capture the Flag

I went to Marshall’s the other day to pick up some socks, and ended up waiting in line for close to 15 years because the guy in front of me happened to pick the only 3 items in the store with no tags on them, so they had to send some elderly retarded lady on [...]
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Urinal Race War

This is a duplication of the incredibly disturbing bathroom at the Border Café in Saugus, which is just north of Boston. I’m not exactly sure what the message here is. I’m thinking it’s some sort of urinal race war, but that’s just a guess. I think the only fair thing to do would be to [...]
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